sensory ghosts of the red timberland long sleeved sweater shirt

__i got this shirt in the mail___________________ __i’m not sure why i bought it_________________ __it’s not exactly high fashion_________________ __most likely to be forgotten__________________ __it’s a long sleeved sweater shirt?_______________ __that’s what the listing said__________________ __and the color’s nothing special________________ __the shade you think when you hear the word red______ __a quintessential red______________________ __so, inessential...i guess_____________________ __but it’ll feel nice in bed____________________ __so not inessential...i digress__________________ __the point is it has this strange smell_____________ __and the smell brings me somewhere_____________ __i can’t quite place it or tell__________________ __but i know that i’ve been there________________ __like somewhere foreign but safe________________ __like a friend’s basement’s couch_______________ __like feeling so at home_____________________ __in someone else’s house____________________ __or maybe like a hospital?___________________ __because they kind of feel safe too_______________ __i know others don’t like them_________________ __but...i kind of do________________________ __others don’t like them, and i get why____________ __(i’m an empath; i get how they feel)_____________ __it’s where people are sick...and die______________ __but it’s also where they heal_________________ __it’s also where they get nice meals______________ __maybe not but that’s how it seemed_____________ __when my brothers bones broke through his arm______ __cut through and made him bleed_______________ __some branch broke and he fell 10 feet____________ __then lay stiff at the foot of our tree_____________ __we jumped down and began to scream____________ __...brought him gifts after surgery_______________ __he was in the hospital on his birthday____________ __an iconic way to turn 12___________________ __with some stitches and a cast_________________ __...well...he handled it pretty well_______________ __anyway about the meals,___________________ __to me it seemed 5 star_____________________ __i was focused on his menu___________________ __should’ve been focused on the scar______________ __he got an ipod nano______________________ __and got his arm broke in half_________________ __i was jealous of birthday presents______________ __(as you can see, i’m not really an empath)_________ __i wasn’t at 10 and i’m not better now____________ __i don’t know how anyone feels________________ __i can pretend and then i can pout______________ __but i’m probably thinking about eels____________ __(or something stupid like that)________________ __he couldn’t really play baseball the same afterwards____ __he was a really great catcher_________________ __for some reason now this really hurts____________ __but it’s 10 years too late to matter______________ __these things happen, they happened i guess_________ __things are the way they are__________________ __but the past doesn’t just stay in the past,__________ __it grows on you like a familiar scar______________ /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// __i do accept the way things have gone____________ __in that there’s not a lot that i would change________ __but that’s because i don’t have a choice___________ __because i can’t erase...some pain_______________ __but i guess even if i could___________________ __and had the power to erase__________________ __to undo my scars at this point________________ __would undo my entire face.__________________ __the smell could be that therapist's office___________ __where i'd chew my fingers til they bled___________ __there was so much noise inside me then___________ __he'd have to repeat everything he said.___________ __he gave great advice, but ive forgotten____________ __i cant remember, i was only 17._______________ __so when i was diagnosed with post traumatic stress____ __i was dressed in highschool uniform green__________ __that place was kind so i remember it well__________ __i'd leave with werther's originals_______________ __he made my life a livable hell_________________ __when it only shouldve been unlivable____________ __all in all after going to therapy________________ __dentists started to be rude__________________ __because fingernails, flesh, and hard candy__________ __are not meant to be chewed__________________ /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// __sometimes i flashback years__________________ __at the hint of a single taste__________________ __i remember who i was with__________________ __in some safe but foreign place________________ /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// __maybe this smell is hotel sheets_______________ __from when she and i went to new york city_________ __we fought both times, why’d we even go back________ __the zoo was nice, the rest was shitty_____________ /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// __maybe that’s unfair,______________________ __the rest was fine________________________ __but the zoo is all i’d keep___________________ __but i don’t get to choose___________________ __so i keep the fights_______________________ __and i keep the way we’d sleep________________ __none of it can be forgotten__________________ __so my senses still remember__________________ __tastes of nicotine and ramen_________________ __and writing a screenplay in november____________ __i miss that time more than i miss her____________ __it's sad but i just miss that space______________ __i miss being away from home_________________ __in that safe and foreign place_________________ ///////////////////////////////////////////////////// __maybe the smell is her dorm,_________________ __but if i’m being honest,____________________ __the smell's already gone____________________ __maybe i’ll catch it again, but for now it’s not here_____ __so it’s probably time to move on_______________ __the sun came up, move on move on_____________ __more scars to be made____________________ __you'll never remember but you'll never forget________ __but at least the pain will fade________________