the mark of cain (don't read)

(these random segments/blurbs from my notes: dont be freaked out, some of it is freaky, but its mostly contradictory shit that i think just sounds cool anyway. also i don't write freaky shit like this anymore. the picture is unsettling and/or not very good, but its to describe the time i wrote these.) (also I will say now and not put at the end, but i talk a lot about afterlife shit and say jesus and buddha were right, but in truth it was Rodellwa who was right with his recent post, i wish i saw it sooner.)//////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// falling legos,//////////////////////////////////////////// at least i'm not scared of sounds/////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// It's not hard to figure anything out. You just gotta look in the right places. believing that is what made me ill. ////and what of nature's crime? the universe revealed its true nature to me and its simulation has only gotten more hostile since. i have to ask, is the point that i should ____ ______?////i like medium-length form content. ///////////////////// they put a hole right where they knew it would bother me.///////////////////////////////////////////// angry neighbors, knocking on your floor. / / / / / / / ///////////////////////////////////////////////////but dont hate me, i still subscribe to modern thought.//////jesus was right.////////wrinkled shirt chic.//////////////////////////////////////////// have you been to hell yet? have you been evil and killed your soul? it takes forever to grow it back. oh you righteous, thank god you haven't been caught. i'll keep doing this hell-world because my mother is a great person./////////////when i die we'll all see each other in hell, and you will be the new kids. and i dont think they'll have to explain it twice when you ask why you're there too. so who have you condemned? you thought it might save you to hate, but you've condemned yourselves. paul mccartney was right, live and let die. don't let my hell drag you in, i know it's so odd. but look away, i wont be nothing. ////smile always and live unremarkably.//////////// i have no idea how much the world must make sense to other people.////////////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// Don't make a chronicle of your pain,//////////////// no one cares; its in vain yea/////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// my life is over i feel it everyday. but no instead this horse gotta get beat, no subtlety, no nuance, full blown meta cliche. i'm the fool. really i swear to god (and i think he would vouch for me on this) i don't think there is anyone else in this world who's as fucked up as me. in every way i ever could've done right, i not only did wrong, but i had to find the most overthetop way of doing wrong. the only good things i ever did in this life were telling people what they wanted to hear. i tried to be as thoughtful as possible, but how much does that mean. deeds of convenience and obligation./ //////////////////////////////////////////////// Artists cry all the time, why would I want to be one of them?//////you wanted a show right? oh right no you wanted justice(wink)////////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// nothing bad ever happened to me, nothing besides some woeisme type shit that's happened 10x worse to thousands of others, maybe probably more. if i was you and someone described me i'd say cover him in butter and toss him in with a rottweiler. i hate him too.////sometimes you just gotta roll with the classics, classics never disappoint that's why everyone likes my name and is fooled by me. i don't think this would be so remarkable if my name were ethan (no offense) and white as paper. instead i can be normal looking and nice to people, so it's juicy. which is unfair because in reality gross ass ethan is more normal than i could ever be in a million (billion) years. so reexamine your prejudices. dick. also i shouldn't be proud to have this name because i did nothing to earn it, and i disgrace Paul everyday by bearing it. i also disgrace the apostle. also the one that wrote the eponymous "book of." oddly enough i don't feel i've really digraced iscariot. i'm kind of living up to that one. which biblical ____ will i be today, the writer, the cousin, or the betrayer. i choose... to betray christ and then ____ ____! like judas!//////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// Oh to mock a dying man,///////////////////////// In war you've lost your soul!/////////////////////// You feel no threat of punishment,////////////////// The reward is in the goal!///////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// "everything is fixed" i will always love jesus christ superstar, please give it a chance. i hope someday after you think you've killed me (already dead) you'll be able to remember i had some good recs to give sometimes. not enough i know, im always a little behind. ///////i find that even if something isn't real, it still sometimes is.////////////////////////////// The Buddha was right, life is suffering. It starts as nirvana. Then the layers come on. And it's hell. And it's a ticking clock. A countdown to get out if you can. You usually can't so you have to start over. Figure it out, figure it out. Healthy living everyday, and that's karma. That's positive really. Even if I fail and have to do it again, at least the good will stick. it's getting tallied, a little at least.///////imposter imposter imposter. me less than everyone else apparently. it's not about "who you are." everyone could be wiping their asses differently, they're not imposters for not doing it in public. you get what i mean like. imposter is such a nothing word. im beyond imposter syndrome. i'm not pretending to be anything, because im nothing to pretend. we'd be surprised at how much of it all is autopilot. i know i get anxious, but trust me, when i'm not, nothing is calculated. which i think is better than being an asshole. which i also am./////ghosts aren't real, right? ////to get good karma and to honor Buddha i will put my phone away and pretend i never wrote this, just kidding i have a really good memory, except for last night apparently. /////////////////// do you think i'm retarded? trust me when i say no one is smarter than me. that has nothing to do with my inhumanity or anything, it's just that no one has ever beaten me in anything because i'm playing an ancient game using a manual written in alien runes. and you can't compete because you get your ideas from the internet./// the internet will send you to hell, haven't you learned anything. ///stay healthy and focus on good you lost boy.//////////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// How could you fry your beautiful little brain, you have so much to live.////////////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// enjoy your pen and paper; i prefer the convenience of that which plots to destroy me. grammar correct? idk or care. i find that what sounds cool is. btw i have a really good memory and i remember everything i say, so i know when it's being repeated back to me./////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// What an evil trick,/////////////////////////////// I told myself there was./////////////////////////// Hard to imagine or believe,//////////////////////// And harder to make up./////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// ......and i get that. i can see both sides. im a great intellectual type thinker for that reason haha. A wink and a flash./////"I never asked for any of this." I remember in Up when Mr. Fredrickson said that, it hit so hard even when i was a kid. good writing/acting will work for anyone.///I could blow everyone's mind, i could blow my mind out in a car, tony didn't notice that the lights had changed.///////it's not the kind of thing i could ever tell anyone about, so i'll just write to my demons instead and ask for their forgiveness even though they aren't the ones i wronged. they're not god or victims. and if they believe they're victims, then they have to grow up and stop playing pretend. if my god or victims want anything from me, it's justice, not fun and games and shit that you see on netflix. i guess i have to read crime and punishment but i'm certain i've already lived it. the worst thing you could ever do is live like you won't be punished, not knowing your turn is after mine. repent repent, i know it would've helped me./////it's just a new low. that's all. what's your next step, in a series of random steps/////theory: you don't go to heaven for repenting on your deathbed. "repentance" is just apart of dying anyway. is that me now? praying because i think i'll die. i don't think so, not always at least. i'm usually asking for protection in the present, not salvation forever.//// i'd be completely fine with going to hell if no one else knew about it.///////////////////////// Heaven: maybe real/////////////////////////////// Hell: definitely real/////////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// not everyone thinks youre a hero///////watch me live this nothing life and call yourself a hero///i can't stop writing suicidal monologues, but i also can't stop not killing myself. seems we're stuck at an impasse huh?// i live free in america and it's the worst, i'd rather live in a communist hellhole. i'd rather be a blob living in a blob. a slave, at least i'd know it. with birth i was given freedom and we never deserved it.///i hate being obsessed, i guess it's a cliche but crazy people aren't crazy, just looking at parts they shouldn't be. joker was right when he said all you need is a push? or he was wrong. some people get pushed their whole life through only for them to invent the polio vaccine. others get the slightest and shoot schools. so yeah it's up to you, be crazy or don't...please don't.)///i swear i'm actually not crazier than some people i know, it just manifests in different ways. i might actually be emotionally mature in the way i interact with this world for the most part./// i'm not into gangbang porn vids so i have that going for me. (trust me i tried, just wasn't feeling it. makes me think of armies raping villages.) i'm not into meth, i don't hurt people for fun, i don't post pictures of myself for all my friends to see everyday even though i could and maybe do alright with it if i chose the right angles, clothes, and haircuts. and i'm not mean to people for no reason. (lie) the ways in which i am crazy? i'm probably addicted to everything. like not currently, but i think i have an addictive personality. so if there's drugs ice cream or girlfriend i just kinda lose it. //// it's funny how little exgirlfriends mean in the end, they wanted and got as much, if not more, from me as i did them. so fuck off i owe nothing you aint fam.// i was only ever trying to protect people who were assigned to me at random because i have no agency.///////////////////////////////////////// the concentricity of all things (a recent mantra of mine)////////////////////////////////////////////////// you loved cartoons as a boy. and did nothing ever since.////////////////////////////////////////////////// PORN IS THE MOST DANGEROUS THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO A CHILD. apart from the obvious other things. but it's the most dangerous thing ever, and culture is fucked forever. flood please! //// its probably silly to believe in curses, but i believe that we are cursed.///////the parent trap is communist propaganda probably. and im here for it!////to people who i have hurt forever: i'm sorry that i have been the catalyst for, or just one of the many stages in, your journey of suffering. i pray that you can find forgiveness for me, because i know i need yours as much as i need god's. to people i haven't hurt: move on move on. don't live in any hell you don't have to. to any people i have sent to hell: know it wasn't me, its who i was, and we can kill him together. i believe i changed. positives and negatives switch, so who knows which me was better, but i think im less hurtful. i'm less sociable now and i dont make people feel happy as often, but i make people sad less i hope. ive grown a violently guilty soul in the past year, so i hope this remorse and fear of hell can lead me better than nihilism did./////i probably peaked at some point in middle school lol/////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// had a real good ol fashioned nightmare last night//////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Cuffin' season is over///////////////////////////////////// and thankfully our wants went with it////////////////////// humans only ever get lonely for a couple months per year/////////////////////////////////////////////////// cuffing season overlaps with the holiday season////////////// but you never needed god like you needed a fake friend////////////////////////////////////////////////// i think i may be the least important person to ever exist////i don't even trust webmd after directly asking it for help/////no one is where you are. so leave there and join us./////"all cats are black in the night" did i get that right////disappoint and disappear//bad choice road///do you wanna get off the internet with me?//////////////dear white kid raised with money: it would've had to have been a LOT for your life to be "hard" it wasn't. you'll only be free if you stop acting like you've been trapped. everyone i know is deeper than you//////////////before even pretending that you've been traumatized you should play this game with yourself: you should ask "what if this trauma happened to captain america or some other fictional testosteroned aryan?" if the answer is that they would just soldier on and keep going, then pretend you're them and soldier on. then spend $700 on cosplay materials and move to anaheim. then you'll stop being a victim. and actually be someone who's likely to get victimized. because LAME!/////////////////////// hey guess what, no one knows you. how bout no one knows me? ////i couldn't even do film school//////// you know whos on my side jesus and all his angels//// //////////////////////////////////////////////// all your fucking letters,//////////////////////////// well, you're doing better////////////////////////// eating pork and peppers////////////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// fresh slate, find your inner light//////////////////// be careful be careful be careful///////////////////// //////////////////////////////////////////////// st francis' prayer///////////////////////////////// and i dapped up some leperchauns////////////////// and i met a british lady who was curious about the abbreviation on my jacket///////it gets better sometimes/////////////////////////////////////// there's more but im growing weary of searching through ramblings to find cool sounding shit. most of its ramblings and none of it sounds cool.//////////// YOU KNOW ITS WEIRD I HAD THE STRANGEST FEELING TO RETURN TO THIS SITE AND THEN AFTER POSTING I REALIZED ITS BEEN ABOUT EXACTLY A YEAR SINCE MY LAST POST. ALL PARTS OF EVERY BRAIN IS MYSTERIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL AND TRUST YOUR SOUL, don't you dare ignore it instead!