im not sure i deserved being shot several times but whatever

im in a little gray spot im sure i wont remember the feeling of once it stops. but either way, everythings different now. even if gets better, it wont be the same as it was. but theres a chance it'll be better? ........yea me neither. but being sober for more than 48 hours is refreshing. but yeah i mean im still bleeding on my leg. haha yea i mean what if you dont even feel like doing the things you like. bitch i love melodrama. i actually have a rich inner fantasy world full of praise and connection. i fantasize about anything and everything constantly. i romanticize my own pain as immediately as it starts. its insane that i actually have a job. ///////////but idk if we didnt blame ourselves we'd all be psychos right??? thank god none of us are at all even a little.