im not sure i deserved being shot several times but whatever

im in a little gray spot im sure i wont remember the feeling of once it stops. but either way, everythings different now. even if gets better, it wont be the same as it was. but theres a chance it'll be better? ........yea me neither. but being sober for more than 48 hours is refreshing. but yeah i mean im still bleeding on my leg. haha yea i mean what if you dont even feel like doing the things you like. what are you supposed to do just talk to no one but strangers for days and just enjoy thinking of yourself as an artist? bitch i love melodrama. i actually have a rich inner fantasy world full of praise and connection. i fantasize about anything and everything constantly. i romanticize my own pain immediately as it starts. its insane that i actually have a job lol. oh right and that doesnt help either. i mean it does, actually definitely. ya know like i could say it gives my life money and structure but then i wouldnt get to be the victim?? its an easy fucking job and i get payed too much. there've been maybe 2 bad things that ever happened to me that i didnt have some part in. and maybe thats true for everyone. when i was actually a victim i was told not to blame myself but idk if we didnt blame ourselves we'd all be psychos right??? thank god none of us are at all even a little.