i'm only ever happy in the shower

showering before the sun comes up with the lights off. makes me feel like i have a soul. and it only grows when its dark and theres warm water. how alive the energy and pressure of the water hitting my back felt. if the water is right, and u close your eyes, and you let it all hit this one spot near the back of your shoulder. it really feels like there could be someone there. something alive against u. from another dimension if anything. the first time i felt it was when i was probably like 7 in the locker room at the YMCA. the water pressure in the showers there was like a rocket, like a beam; a pillar of water sending energy directly into your core. but where the water isnt hitting is just as important. like some kind of phantom limb feeling i imagine. my mind first went to a guardian angel. there's a guardian angel with me. with everyone when they shower. you just have to be in exactly the right spot to feel them. and when you do feel them, its just theyre hand letting you know ur safe. theres no bad things behind you and youre not gonna be hurt and i got you. you know? my FIRST first thought when i felt the presence with the water pressure (and eyes closed) was "it feels like.. i have a wing..." it felt like i had wings. and because it felt like i had something on my back, when i pictured my body in that moment with my eyes closed, i could imagine these wings. there were these statues of angels guardian angels but also archangels. tiny statues you could get as a gift for your first holy communion and have on your nightstand (until one day you're like damn do adults have idols chillin where they sleep orrr??) but anyway the wings were always sick. glittery and the texture of the wings was rough. and i could see myself with those wings. so that thought morphed into "there's an angels wing bruhsing me." idk. maybe its also all because i saw psycho at a very young age and that shower scene is so scary i do not want to be murdered naked, and i really really really dont want anyone to find my naked murdered body.