clownfuck

fuck i keep not being who i wanted to be. andikeep changing what that was in the first place. i think successful people really are impressive. because not only are they good at doing what they did, but theyre also good at knowing WHAT to do. imagine going to medical school. (i couldnt even finish film school :P) this is a picture of what i looked like when i was in film school. (my hair is shorter now.) its also a picture of me when i was happier, but i think thats unrelated to the film school thing. it was a year ago. i would i always wear this blue plaid jacket i stole from my uncle. and it was nice october. online class and part time working in cool weather. and cold weekends at somennewjersey beach. and i felt like i had a lot of friends even though i didnt. but i felt happy. i wouldnt do too much drugs and i would take pictures of my family. now i really feel actually lonely which is annoying, because im almost doing things pretty well. i did kind of drop out of school, but im doing a virtuous job and saving(?) money. and now im waking up early! which would be good if i werent going to bed so late. and i dont know. its comforting to know that i look pretty normal on the outside. (contrary to how i felt about myself in late winter/early spring.) but what i mean is that i look like everyone else. visibly i am normal height normal hair color normal man type person. 2armslegs. which means that everyone else who looks so normal could also be so completely shattered inside. my vision for utopia: before bed, every member of society shall write pure stream of consciousness garbage as honestly as they can for 30 minutes straight. then the next morning when they wake up they shall find the 2-3 sentences they would be most terrified of other people hearing. then at any point in the day where they're surrounded by others, they just gotta shout their excerpts really loudly. hopefully, it would look something like people on public transit aimlessly talking about how they wished different family members of theirs would die ...not even for anything specific this time, but because them still being alive was a mild inconvenience and shit. and because them dying would be an easier fix for whatever was causing them pain/// sad thing is that pretty quickly people would start trying to impress/upset each other with it. and instantly it would be tainted. it would become fashion. "u will never believe what ariana grande thought-projected at met gala this weekend" so never mind, it wouldnt work. but it would be funny. i really think celebrities should be abolished. and honestly the news too. its all so everywhere that its hard to remember that we hate it and actually dont need it at all. i mean sure some people need the news, but like. i dont. and probably not you either. its cool knowing that new season of succession premieres tomorrow, but i could also find that out from a banner ad on hbo or some shit. anyway watch succession. if you dont have hbo, steal it. just steal it, its way too easy and theres literally no repercussions to the point where its pretty much legal. im serious. just steal it. look up on youtube "how to torrent movies" and do it. im not kidding. it will help you so fucking much, and i promise nothing bad will happen to you. ive been doing it for like the past 7 years and the most trouble i ever got in was an email to my mom in 2016 saying "uh hey.... you shouldnt have downloaded dawn of the planet of the apes... uh... if you do it again... um... we'll warn you again. and if you do it again after that... uhhhh. we'll slow ur internet down?" yeah so. or use someone's hbo password. or just google "succession free online stream" or some shit. its really good but somewhat slowish start. but ur brain will explode by episode 6. hbo has so much god-level content that its probably even worth it to actually pay. some hbo shows u might not have seen: high maintenance (web series + main series), gösta, the leftovers, girls, we are who we are, search party, how to with john wilson, flight of the conchords, animals, eastbound and down, vice principals, the righteous gemstones, 7 days in hell, tour de pharmacy, i love you now die, barry, true detective, chernobyl, game of thrones, sopranos, blah blah blah. you get it. its hbo and shit. just started "the other two," also. pretty good!